Weaves are becoming more and more of a rather sensitive topic. There are 3 obvious sides to how people feel about them – some hate them, some love them and others have got bigger problems to worry about. I am not even remotely afraid to state that I hate hate HATE weaves! I hate that a few months ago I witnessed a baby on a woman’s back where both mother and baby had weaves. And, I’m not referring to those all-black-all-light-absorbing cheap weaves. No, I am talking about the charismatic black with blonde highlights weaves. Ok, it wasn’t a baby – that’s pushing it. It was a toddler not older than 5. I’m saying this in case I offend any toddlers who might accidentally land on this post.
Now, I read an interesting article Khaya Dlanga wrote and published in News24.co.za (which you can read by clicking here) and it reminded me of a campaign I once ran on Facebook about a year ago on weaves. I feel Khaya held back in his article. I say so because the issue of weaves he addresses brushes over the heart of the matter and I can summarise his article in this one sentence: “Women, us men will STILL want you without the weaves.” That’s it. You’ve just read the entire article in that one line. Great article though – great laughs. What I did like the most were the comments that followed this post. These were more ‘down on the earth’, more raw and expressed by people who feel violated by weaves.
I am such a person and this is my issue with a receding issue with hairlines…
Unfortunately the people we ‘love’ SO dearly – friends, family, girlfriends and the odd colleague – have fallen prey to the phenomenon that is *insert a 3-second pause here* ‘the weave’. Yes some 5 years back we heard about how Beyonce wore an expensive weave and how it might be the next big thing. This was on another continent so this would never have bothered me and it didn’t. Unfortunately then came the likes of Rihanna on the scene – young, vibrant and… brave. Very very brave. There’s only 1 Rihanna, 1 Beyonce and a few women who boast the same figures of a great body, great hair and bank balances of these women and pull this bravery off. As a result, what I have witnessed with my bare eyes has absolutely traumatised me. I have heard countless stories of the truth that is revealed beneath these weaves at hair salons.
Let me dive into the crux of the matter in 10 points:
1. Your friends, hairstylist and man have all lied to you – the hair doesn’t make you look hot as Rihanna. Well, it actually wasn’t too bad for the first 3 to 4 sleeps. Please destroy it.
2. Oh it’s a Brazilian? That’s a lovely story. I can’t really tell. I can’t wait for your next hairstyle.
3. Children that have not completed high school should not be allowed back home with a weave. If she can’t comfortably afford it with her own money – don’t let her do it.
Oh, side note: have you ever read up on weaves? I have! Check out the Wikipedia on the history and different types of weaves by clicking here. It is nothing solid, but says quite a bit. Worth a squirt.
4. Was it really worth paying more than ZAR5,000 for? Really? Oh you can wash it and re-use it? Yeah that makes it look so much better. Please. Stop wasting your hard earned money. The salon is ripping you off. It took them 30 minutes to an hour which is great, but in 2 weeks you know the expiry date would have been reached, right? No, I will not pay for your weave – are you on drugs? If your man or parent sponsored it – they must shoot themselves on the knee.
5. Get new friends who will tell you when your track is showing. You rocking up in my local Woolies store with your tired looking weave is putting me off the food. Ok, this is harsh. I’m not sorry.
6. Red, blue, purple, pink and blonde weaves are for unemployed people or celebrities. We can hardly say we have celebrities in SA so stop advertising your colourful personality by using your hair. It’s not a good look. Try shoes and hand bags. Those are tried, tested and work.
7. Weave strands in the bathroom sink, bathroom floor, bathtub, shower floor, carpet, couches, car seats, half the bed and in that one food dish is not working for me.
8. Does your hairline really deserve this backwards punishment? Yes, your hairline was looking a bit frail before this new do, but you DO realise the ‘fullness’ of the weave and where you decided to have the weave-split (that part where you decide this part will fall to the left and the other to the right? Yes! That) is making your hairline look non-existent? You can’t? Take a closer look:
9. Of course I’m going to lie about how the weave looks on you. You put me on the spot! That’s a monster fringe you got going there! Don’t you die of heat under this African sun? No, don’t touch my hat. Yes, I can smell that you were in an establishment where the “no smoking” bylaw did not apply. Is that some food I see stuck in your hair? Is that puke?? *grabs bucket* ( << I have witnessed this.)
10. You don't want or are too lazy to style your own hair so you would rather get a weave? What? Are you insane? Why did you get the weave then? No, I'm not saying shave off all your hair – that's extreme. I'm saying there are plenty other options. S-curl and cut? Old school, but definitely cool with a pair of shades. I approve.
That's it. Case closed. Go get those twists or even a Catherine Rapodile-like "Push back relax". I will personally love you for it. It makes you look like the CEO! The HBIC! ( << visit urbandictionary.com for a definition of that if you require one.) I will definitely help you undo your braids – terms and conditions apply.
Hairline healthy, no hair all over the show and… you look great! The twists, the lovely relaxed hair, braids… Yes they took an entire day and a half, but they lasted 2 months, you maintained them well and they look great in every one of your outfits. *moves in for a peck on the lips*
Finally – I love you ladies! What do I know right? If I could I swear I would start a weave business. I would cater for all markets – students, middle class and high-flying women and beat any international pricing. I would create jobs and behave like I'm a tenderpreneur! #Winning! Some of you look amazing in weaves. Please be sure it's worth it? Look after your hairline because your next weave will NOT grow it back. I've heard there are ways to preserve one's hairline. If you're in the business – I genuinely admire your grind. Keep at it. Grow it. Save women. Save hairlines.
(If a man is wearing a weave – please tell them to kill themselves and that if they don't do the world that service, then I hope they go bald).
*starts praying to God to ask for forgiveness for this post*